


In My Heart, In My Mind, I Am Already There

by ShowMeAHero



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, F/M, Fix-It, Hurt/Comfort, Spoilers for The Last War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-13
Updated: 2019-05-13
Packaged: 2020-03-02 11:56:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18810421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShowMeAHero/pseuds/ShowMeAHero
Summary: When the smoke and ash clear, and Jaime pushes the rubble off of himself, he expects to see Cersei’s body under him. It aches, more than Euron’s wounds in his sides do, but he knows he has to look.Cersei blinks up at him.“No,” he says. “No, it wasn’t supposed to happen like this.”





	In My Heart, In My Mind, I Am Already There

**Author's Note:**

> that's right, i'm fixing this through my fucking tears because this is jaime fucking lannister, goddamnit
> 
> Title taken from ["House by the Sea"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lX5FpPP4TSA) by Moddi.

When the smoke and ash clear, and Jaime pushes the rubble off of himself, he expects to see Cersei’s body under him. It aches, more than Euron’s wounds in his sides do, but he knows he has to look.

Cersei blinks up at him.

“No,” he says. “No, it wasn’t supposed to happen like this.”

“Jaime, what—” she starts to say, but he cuts off her words with his flesh hand, wrapped around her throat. She chokes, once, and he shuts his eyes. She tries to say something, but he pushes harder, his face burning, his nose prickling. He sobs, and brings his golden hand up, and it fixes around her throat like it was meant to take the life from it. Her hands scrabble at his chest, scratch at his face, and he opens his eyes. She’s as purple as Joffrey was, once, so many years ago. He stares down at her as she gasps, disbelieving, hoarse.

Cersei’s hands go to Jaime’s, and she wraps them around his wrists. When she feels them there, it’s like she understands something, like she realizes something Jaime doesn’t. She stares up at him, those hard eyes on his, the same color as his own. He doesn’t let go.

It’s over more suddenly than he’d thought. She just… goes. She slumps, the fight going out of her, and Jaime has to yank the hand off her throat. When he lifts his head, the sun burns his eyes. Ash falls on his face. He inhales a lungful, then coughs it out. That’s enough to get him standing, to leave Cersei’s body there in the rubble of Red Keep, where it belongs.

He picks his way through the broken stones and ash. It’s slow moving, with blood dripping off him as he goes, but he climbs like a boy he once saw, climbing further and further with no idea what’s on the other end. He keeps going. He goes until he can slide down into dust and ash on a burnt city street, and then he keeps walking. He walks forward, no idea whether he’s coming or going, until he hears rapid footfalls sprinting at him. He’s dazed when a hand grabs his.

“Jaime,” Tyrion says. His voice is filled with disbelief, and it reminds him so painfully of Cersei. Jaime stumbles, shuts his eyes again. Tyrion’s hands slam into his torso, trying to shove him back upright. When Jaime looks down at him, Tyrion’s looking at his blood-slick palms, red and dripping. He looks up at Jaime in horror.

“Jaime,” he says again. Jaime falls to his knees. He and Tyrion see eye-to-eye.

“It’s done,” he tells him, before collapsing sideways, giving into unconsciousness. He sees Tyrion’s face in front of his, thick, as if through water, and shuts his eyes for what he assumes will be the last time.

* * *

Jaime dreams in pieces. The pieces don’t make any sense. Snow falling on the Iron Throne; green fire eating Daenerys; Cersei’s eyes bleeding purple. None of it clicks for him. He feels like he’s wading through a black sea of death, struggling to break the surface, before finally he gasps and his eyes shoot open.

“Jaime,” a voice says, and it’s not Tyrion’s this time. Jaime turns his head, and it _hurts,_ it hurts like nothing he’s ever felt before, but he has to do it to see her face. Brienne sits beside him, one of his hands clutched in both of hers, skin to skin. Her face is red.

“You look terrible,” he rasps, his throat raw. Her arms twitch, like she was going to hit him but just managed to fight back the impulse. “How long have I been unconscious?”

“Long enough for me to get here,” Brienne says. “I was only a day or so behind you, anyways, you _fool.”_

“What happened?” Jaime asks. Brienne’s red face gets redder. It makes her shining eyes stand out even more than usual.

“You’re an idiot, that’s what happened,” Brienne says.

“He is the stupidest Lannister,” Tyrion says, and Jaime turns his head to look at his younger brother standing beside his cot. It’s disorienting; it almost feels like there’s sunshine. Jaime looks up.

“Whose tent is this?” Jaime asks.

“Jon Snow’s,” Tyrion tells him. “He’s outside with Arya right now.”

“Daenerys has been stopped,” Brienne says. Jaime looks back to her. “I don’t want you to worry about anything else right now.”

Jaime looks at her for a long, hard moment before turning to Tyrion. “And Cersei.”

It’s part-question, part-statement. Tyrion nods anyways. Jaime exhales, slowly, and shuts his eyes. Brienne’s hands leave his, and his brow furrows, squinting towards her in confusion as her palms touch his cheeks.

“Don’t you _ever_ lie to me again,” Brienne warns him.

“Oathbreaker,” Jaime reminds her.

“Oathkeeper,” she says back. He nods. “You will keep your oaths from now on, Jaime Lannister.”

“I promised to keep you safe,” he tells her. “I did that. I knew you wouldn’t follow me if I said all that, but you should know— I didn’t mean it. I don’t mean it. I love you.”

“I promised to keep _you_ safe, you idiot,” she says in response to that, and then tears well up in her eyes, and he feels tears come into his own, _damn_ her. “You absolute _idiot._ Of _course_ I followed you, you— _you—”_

“Don’t get me started,” Jaime says. Brienne’s grip on his face tightens, and then she kisses his forehead, hard, like she’s trying to climb into his skull. He reaches up and grabs her forearm, wraps his hand around it like he can tear into the flesh and stitch them together, make them into one whole person so they can never be apart.

“You _are_ an idiot,” Tyrion agrees. Jaime feels the cot shift, and then Tyrion is sitting down beside him in the narrow space Jaime isn’t occupying. Brienne pulls away, and Jaime lifts his arm. Tyrion hugs him again, just like in the tent, and they sit for a long while, just breathing. The two Lannisters left alive.

“What do we do now?” Jaime asks. Tyrion pulls back, swiping a hand under his eyes, taking a deep breath as he turns to Brienne.

 _“We_ are not doing anything,” Brienne says.

 _“We_ are healing you up until you can travel, and then _we_ are leaving. That is all _we_ are doing,” Tyrion agrees. “This isn’t our place anymore. This isn’t our fight.” He pauses. “There really isn’t _any_ fight.”

“And Jon—”

“No more,” Brienne says. Jaime looks to her, and he can read her face like a book. She stares back at him, hard. “No more,” she repeats. Jaime nods. Tyrion leans back next to Jaime, their heads side-by-side, and Brienne takes Jaime’s face in her hands and kisses him again, properly this time, on the mouth. He winces, and she pulls back, but he yanks her right back in.

“I always wanted to die in the arms of the woman I love,” Jaime says, mostly muffled by her mouth on his. She retreats, just an inch.

“Not anytime soon, you insufferable bastard,” she says, a voice of steel that he dare not disobey. He nods again, looking between her two eyes. It’s impossible to see both from this close. He looks at her mouth instead; it’s easier, there’s only one of those.

“Well, let me know when I have permission,” he says.

“Never,” she growls, kissing him again. Tyrion whistles, and Jaime bats him away. He goes, laughing as he slides to the ground, but Brienne doesn’t let go. Jaime doesn’t suspect she ever will again.

**Author's Note:**

> You can follow me on Twitter at [@nicolelianesolo](https://twitter.com/nicoIodeon) or on Tumblr at [andillwriteyouatragedy](http://andillwriteyouatragedy.tumblr.com/).


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